


broken, full roots and all

by tsukkis_dino_plushie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A Vent Fic, Angst, DONT READ IF THESE TRIGGER YOU, Hinata just can't catch a break, Homophobia, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Not of Hinata Though, Original Character(s), Pan Hinata Shoyou, Realization, SERIOUSLY IT MIGHT TRIGGER YOU, Written during a meltdown, based of a true story, beta readers are great, but really if you are sensitive please take caution reading this, hehe no matter how many fics i will still be bad at tagging, i'm sorry hinata i love you so much i promise, like he gets it, mine are amazing, nishinoya is a good senpai, okay in this fic tsukishima is nice, open-ended, seriously their awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:51:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26980177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukkis_dino_plushie/pseuds/tsukkis_dino_plushie
Summary: shoyou is really really sadtw// homophobia & suicide
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Original Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	broken, full roots and all

**Author's Note:**

> heyooo
> 
> welcome to my first REALLY angsty fic. this is kinda based on what i feel most of the time, when it comes to me and my sexuality, and i was kind of having a breakdown which is why i wrote this on a whim :p that also explains why it's short :) and I hc that when it comes down to it, Tsukishima is a really good friend who will help anyone if they are having a breakdown, no one will tell me otherwise :D
> 
> also this takes place in a kinda fictional world where there are a lot more nationalities living in Japan. 
> 
> thank you to my beta-readers again! you guys are really the best! <3 please make sure to check them out:  
> meowy_times  
> noturssis
> 
> something to listen to while reading if you want:  
> https://youtu.be/5N_TGK4Js88?t=22   
> it should time kinda good with the actual fic, because i listened to it while writing
> 
> lastly, this is a reminder that this fic could be extremely triggering. so please please take caution.

Something broke in Shoyou. 

It was as if someone had reached into his chest and taken a part of his heart out, leaving the remaining parts to keep up with the millions of blood cells rushing to Shoyou's head. 

_ You're pan? No you're not. No son of mine is pan. _

He walked listlessly down the hall to his room, barely registering the opening and closing of his door. grabbing his headphones, he quickly plugged it in to his phone and laid on his bed.

The starting notes of a violin piece filled his head. The attempt to elude the gut wrenching pain was barely an attempt. as the melody started to pick up pace, piano was added, deepening the music and adding emotion.

In the darkness of his room, Shoyou stared at his ceiling for what seemed like the fifteenth time in the last day, his thoughts scrambling up to him. 

Kageyama Tobio, a boy, and Shoyou's first crush. Of course it started out rough, both of their personalities clashing with each other in what seemed like war never set to be won. But slowly and pacingly, the pandemonium which was their friendship settled into something more serene. 

It was then that Shoyou began to realize how quickly his thoughts shifted to Kageyama when he was in his vicinity. How he would sit to the side during practice and file his nails, or how he would tie his shoes not with bunnies but with double loops. Shoyou would constantly wonder if Kageyama had eaten, if he had slept enough, or even if he drank milk that day.

Shoyou wasn't as dumb as people thought he was, and while his intellectual intelligence was up to par with what a certain beanpole said, all of his other mind was far superior. He knew when he had feelings for someone, his top-down processing kicking in, providing an ample amount of experiences in which his friends had fawned over girls. 

  
  


It had been a girl that Kageyama had introduced that day. Black puffy hair, and beautiful ebony skin that shimmered in the light of the sun. Her laughter was contagious, and even Shoyou could smile around her. A tough feat considering the small root of pain growing in the left side of his chest. 

_ girls.  _

Aisha Kattan, a girl, and Shoyou's second crush. She was incredibly intelligent, succeeding in passing Yachi, her educational home being class 1-6. Paired with Shoyou for a tutoring session, Shoyou couldn't help but fall for her. With deep dimples and soft pink lips, her words were spoken with such eloquence that Hinata often wasn't sure if what she was saying was what he had understood. At least when it came to education. 

Shoyou had absolutely no trouble understanding what Aisha said, her soft spoken words were something that could teach a spider to fly. So when Shoyou heard the words "I'm moving" coming out of her mouth, he had no questions. Just the same smile as always. 

it was after Aisha had left that, Shoyou had met them.

Jane, a person, and Shoyou's third crush. They always looked badass, something that Shoyou had always wanted to achieve. They would always chuckle when Shoyou would tell them this fact, because " _You're always a badass in my book Sho-kun_ " With multiple ear piercings, ethereal purple hair, and a teasing lilt to their words, Shoyou felt himself falling again. It was them who took Shoyou to his first pride club, chuckling when Shoyou realized the majority of his volleyball was part of it. 

They made the absence of Aisha leave, and Shoyou could feel the root of pain start to get weeded out. Jane had the light that Shoyou couldn't always produce. And the days he felt like he couldn't produce any at all, Jane would be there to fill it up for both of them. 

Which is why when Shoyou gets a call from an unknown number, his heart drops. Because it couldn't be. How could someone who shone such a bright light on Shoyou's life, how could they succumb to such a deep darkness?

Shoyou couldn't handle it. No matter how he tried to mask the pain in his heart, it would respond with something five times stronger. The vines from the root slowly raking up Shoyou's esophagus making their permanent home in his throat, making him want to wallow in his own misery. it didn't take long before one day, he broke.

The 10th of October. A cold day, seemingly uneventful. Jane's funeral had taken place a month before, and while other people seemed to move on, Shoyou couldn't. The tipping point had been at volleyball practice, his strongest spike had been blocked. 

With the usual thump of the volleyball against the floor, everyone had seemed to continue with what they were doing. It was after all just a block. Shoyou would get over it, he always did. everyone paused however, when they heard another thump. Skin to floor, a sound all of them were familiar with, but not expecting. What everyone saw shocked them.

Shoyou was on his knees, his back thighs resting on his calves as he weeped. His head was thrown in front of him, dangling dangerously from his neck. In the pindrop silence of the gym, the silent tears seemed like speaker phones. It was when Shoyou's shoulders started shaking that the team actually stepped forward.

Tsukishima had gotten there first, carefully leaning Shoyou's body onto his. He had seen this before. He had seen it countless times, ranging from his brother to his pinch server boyfriend, Tsukishima had had his fair share of crying. Shoyou seemed to melt at the embrace, pressing his head into Tsukishima's shoulders. Everyone was silent as the short middle blocker heavily cried, not really knowing what to do when it's light bulb blew a fuse. 

It was when the sobbing had reduced to whimpers that he was shifted into Noya's hold. The libero slowly stood Shoyou up and led him to the storage closet, where Shoyou had proceeded to collapse into Noya's arms.

For what seemed like hours to Shoyou, he just silently cried in his upperclassmen's arms. When he finally felt his eyes dry up, he nudged the hands that wrapped his body, a signal to let loose of the hold. 

With no questions, Noya had handed Shoyou his bag and had led him out the door of the gym. Once getting to the club room, Shoyou had enough time to quickly change before the exhaustion of his breakdown caught up to him. 

Walking down the stairs, he paused seeing his father's familiar car.

Wordlessly he had stepped in, waiting for his mother to finish signing the necessary papers. Yume Hinata started to drive, glancing at her son's state on the way to their mountain home. 

Reaching their house, Shoyou was planning on which excuse he was going to use, when his mother cleared her throat.

"Look Shoyou, I know you had a rough couple of months. But it's just that! It's been a couple of months. It's time you get over it. No son should be so emotionally attached all the time. That's a wife's job y'know?" 

Yume had meant it as a joke. Shoyou did not think of it that way. 

The next day, he pulled Sugawara aside. Suga had listened carefully, showing his clear skill for reading and adapting to the room. It was when Shoyou had told him about every single thing, that Suga had finally said something. 

_ Hinata. I think you need to go to a therapist.  _

Shoyou had initially been shocked by this statement, only for the confusion to be replaced with dread. Suga made sense. Shoyou did need therapy. Somewhere in the depths of his mind, he knew that he would go insane if he didn't. But no matter what Shoyou could think about, he only had one thought on his mind.

_ What would his mother think? I would have to tell her why right? There's no way she'll accept me. _

So in a last minute spike in confidence, Shoyou told her. He told her about how he would never care about what someone identified as, as long as they made him happy. 

Shoyou had been right. 

So here he was lying on his bed, watching the depths of his ceiling as the violin played. He could hear the loud voices down the hall, his mother shouting over the phone. 

Shoyou closed his eyes, a more darker darkness appearing in his vision. As tears slowly fell down his eyes, he smiled. What else could he do when he was so so broken?

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> ....
> 
> sorry if i made you sad :( if it does please read something wholesome and fluffy before going on with your day!
> 
> "When Stress Is Applied to the System, I Lean More Toward Loving You" by snazzy_scarf is a really fluffy KogaGoshi fic if you need some recs!
> 
> thank you for reading and i'll see you next time! <3
> 
> comments and advice are welcome!


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